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I’m on such an emotional roller coaster the past few days that I don’t know what is up and what is down. I feel like my life is in a downward spiral that I have no hope of ever pulling out of. I don’t know what to do, I truly feel lost and can never find my way back to the light.

What have I become, my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end, and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

So here I am, feeling sorry for myself and the mess my life is. The only person I can blame is me. I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done with my life. I am a big fat zero that has accomplished nothing. I don’t know if my family loves me. I don’t know if the woman I love really feels the same about me. I am a lost soul, and the blackness that surrounds me is getting darker and darker.

What have I become, my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end, and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt, If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way.

Hurt from the album “American IV - The Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, fear, life, love, pain, relationships

I figure that there is and always has been that one special person out there that you were meant to be with, to love, care for and spend you days growing old with. The sad part is that most of us never meet that person and just go through life empty and hollow because of it. I am one of the lucky ones, I have met my soul mate, the perfect person that makes you feel whole. I hope that she will be a part of my life forever. I fear that past actions and current hardships will make this impossible. When I am with her I feel complete, like that part of me that has been empty and lonely has been filled. This feeling is awesome, I truly have never felt it before I met her. Don’t get me wrong nothing is perfect and everything needs to be worked on, but she completes me. I don’t know what the future holds but I hope that she will be a part of it. I really couldn’t imagine her not being with me, by my side, through whatever life has to throw at us. I know that together we can overcome anything. Love can be a truly blessed thing. I’m thankful that I am not one of those people who never found that special someone.

Forever from the album “Forever - Single” by Vertical Horizon

Technorati Tags: emotions, life, love, relationships

I did it. Had my longest walk/run today. I’m still feeling pretty good and hopefully I will be able to keep it up.

Don’t Fade On Me from the album “Wildflowers” by Tom Petty

Technorati Tags: life, exercise, running

Sometimes it is just the a song that totally represents the mood that you are feeling. This one does just that for me right now. I’m definitely dreaming with a Broken Heart.

John Mayer Lyrics
Dreaming With a Broken Heart Lyrics

Dreaming With A Broken Heart from the album “Continuum” by John Mayer

Technorati Tags: honesty, life, love, music, John Mayer

Ok I’m doing it. I have finally broke down my walls of laziness and decided that I need to work out if I want to feel better about myself and be there for my family. To do this I bought the Nike + iPod system and will start running (well walking then running once I’m in better shape). I hope to hit these goals and have selected a workout schedule which should have me running about 30 minutes when I’m done. If that doesn’t help I don’t know what will. Watch here and in the side bar on the blog as I’ll be updating runs/walks and my progress on my goals.

Jump Start (Live) from the album “Catfish Rising” by Jethro Tull

Technorati Tags: exercise, puppy

That is exactly what I have been feeling like lately, an old ghost. I am definitely feeling my age, all 39 years of it. My body is breaking down, my mind is not in the best of sorts and emotionally I’m a total mess. I was recently told by my doctor that my sugers (those of you who don’t know I’m a diabetic) are way out of control. I suspected as much. She put me on a new medicine which so far has been making me feel like crap. Physically I’m going down hill. Instead of losing weight, I’ve gained and my exercise routine is none existent. I have been feeling down in the dumps and completely lost.

I decided for myself he other day that I need to do something about it. I can’t sit back and allow my life to pass me by. I have two small children who need their father, wether they show it or not. I have a life, at least I’m living one. I want to make something of it. I’m sick and tired of not finishing what I start. I need to be able to finish. I need to make my life better, emotionally and physically. I need to get in a routine for exercise, and lose the weight. I need to get off my butt and reclaim my life, if for no one else then for myself. If I don’t, I won’t be an old ghost. I’ll be a young one.

Old Ghosts from the album “Stormwatch” by Jethro Tull

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, life, old, change

Ok, Balticon 42 is over. I’m still recovering I guess. It was the most awesome experience, and to anyone who has never gone, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO! Ok now that that is out of the way, my report from Balticon 42.

I have to first say thank you to Mae and Scott Breakall, and their friend Max. They put up with me all weekend and I can’t thank them enough. I also want to give a shout out to all the great people I met. If I miss anyone please let me know I I will update the list.

First of all Indiana Jim, you are the man. I am so looking forward to hanging out with you next time. Anyone who isn’t listening yet so head on over to the Adventures of Indiana Jim. Great Podcast.

Jett, you are still so cute. ;^). Check out her website here.

Now I move on the the greatest event of the weekend (for everyone). The Singularity. The premiere of episode 4 of Stranger Things. I can’t say enough about the shear awesomeness of this. Earl Newton and Dave Kanter are the greatest guys and Matt “Fucking” Wallace is such a great writer as well as a very cool dude. I would suggest heading over to Strangerthings.tv and checking out the awesome content there.

Now to my personal highlights. I got to see live broadcasts of The Survival Guide to Writing Fantasy and the Geek Fu Morning Show After Dark. I also got to hear readings by Mur Lafferty and Chris Lester. I also got to hear the first part of The Takeover, Mur Lafferty’s new audio Drama. I got to meet great people like Mur, Tee Morris, Chris Lester, Nathan Lowell (though he doesn’t remember me, just kidding Nathan) VividMuse and Choochus from the City of Heroes Podcast, Jared Axelrod and the Beautiful J.R. Blackwell and so many others. I know I missed a few people there but I’ll remember and add them after.

Needless to say I had an incredible time. Meeting all these super creative people really made an impact on me. I highly recommend attending any Con where these awesome people are attending.

You can find my photos from Balticon 42 on my flickr account.

Ok now I want to go back more than ever. All of you guys are so awesome!

Pinch Me from the album “Disc One: All Their Greatest Hits 1991-2001″ by Barenaked Ladies

Technorati Tags: Balticon, life, Mur Lafferty, podcast, relationships, Tee Morris, The Tribe

I don’t, feel, anything. 1,000,000 miles away.

Thats me, numb. I’m going to Balticon this weekend and I’m hoping to meet all the wonderful people in the Tribe that I’ve gotten to know online. I’m both excited and nervous all in one, which as a result is making me numb. I really want to meet all these wonderfully creative people but I also don’t want to make an ass of myself. I’m prone to saying the wrong thing when I’m nervous and I hate it when I make myself look stupid. Especially when I’m talking to someone I admire (the two biggest ones will be there, Mur Lafferty and Tee Morris) and I make myself look like an idiot. I’ve done in in chats, typing away and my brain turns numb, none of my faculties remain and I just blurt out the first thing that surfaces, which is usually wrong. So I’m praying to whatever gods will hear me. Please, Please don’t let me mess up this weekend. Allow me to be my normal, somewhat funny self. Please. That is all.

1,000,000 from the album “The Slip” by Nine Inch Nails

Technorati Tags: fear, life, Mur Lafferty, podcast, Balticon, sci fi, Tee Morris, writing

Hell I know it ain’t me. I guess the point of this post is to say, who really is honest anymore. I know there are those that claim to be honest but I’m sure they have lied or been disingenuous in the name of what they thought was right. I suppose the only thing you can truly be honest with is yourself. You have to be. I know I haven’t been honest with my feelings and it has caused more problems than I could list here. I have trying to honest with myself about my feelings but I’m afraid that it is causing trouble for those around me. I have been more open about my feelings, and dealing with my emotions. I know it is the right thing to do, but I don’t want to hurt my family and my friends. Why are things so damn hard?

The Last Honest Man from the album “Mosquitos” by Stan Ridgway

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, fear, honesty

My twitter friend CA Sizemore lost his wife suddenly yesterday. All my prayers and thoughts go out to him and his family at this hard time. The Tribe has put together a fund together to try and help him through this difficult time. If you have a few bucks, even just one dollar, please consider donating to this worthy cause, because Everything counts.

Everything Counts from the album “The Singles 81>85″ by Depeche Mode

Technorati Tags: ??????death, family, fear, life, love, news, relationships

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