My Notes » Family

Get It Together

Scott — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 09:02:26 +0000

It has been an interesting week for me on the realization front. My emotions are like a land mine, it takes very little to set me off in one direction or another. I know for sure that I am not in a place to pursue a relationship of any kind. I have even been distant from my friends and family, though I have tried very hard to be there for my kids, especially as they were home from school all week. I realized the other day that most of my friends probably have no idea what is going on with me. I believe that my distancing from everyone was a subconscious way for me to deal with all the emotions caused by my upcoming divorce. I’ve been bottling it all up and hoping it will go away like I have done all my life. Old habits die hard they say, and I am pretty good proof of that. THis situation is what is causing my mini breakdowns. I’ll hear a song and it will trigger some emotion and I’ll either be off, spouting my eternal unrequited love, or screaming in anger at my dashboard and any driver near me. This situation has to change. I have to change, especially if I want to get better and continue my life from here.

I realized through all this that I need to let go. I need to give up on all my illusions that I am clinging to and face the fact that I am a very tired, emotionally spent person. I need to focus purely on me. Move forward with my life as best I can and try to find those things that would bring me joy and happiness. First and foremost I had to start making my life better on even the most basic levels. Start enjoying my friends, contact them, let them know what is going on, and mostly, except any help they are willing to give. They are my friends and they won’t judge me, they will listen, support and offer advice. I also needed to make myself healthier. My diabetes has been out of control for far to long. That is totally under my control. I need to eat more responsibly and take care of my body. How can my mind be healthy when my body is not?

So here I am, coming to the largest crossroads I have ever faced. Maybe if this time, for once, I make the choices for me, and not consider all the outside crap, I can finally find a happier place to be. If I am happier with myself, then all the rest will fall into place. I hope so anyway.

Get It Together from the album “Seal IV” by Seal

Technorati Tags: family, life, relationships

Trois: A Tribute to Natalie Morris

Scott — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:15:57 +0000

I am far to late in putting this up but my friend, and my Captain, Tee Morris, lost his loving wife. He put together a tribute to her that I want to share with you all and hope that you will feel as moved as I was. He and his beautiful child are dealing with a loss that I can not pretend to know, but I can feel in my heart the turmoil and pain this loss has caused.

Please help my friend and his daughter, in any way you can.

See his original post here: Trois: A Tribute to Natalie Morris

Oh its just me again

Scott — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:23:16 +0000

Well it has been a LOOOONNNNGGGG time since I wrote one of these. Many things have changed since I have. One thing hasn’t, I’m still unemployeed. My health has gone to pot in the past 7 monthes and I have started on insulin injections. So far the insulin has done nothing to lower my sugars and everything to raise my stress levels. I have to nightly stick a needle in my abdomin. Not fun for the guy who hates needles. Mentally I’m about gone. Depression over not finding a job, failing my family, and an overall apathy toward my ability to be a good husband and father has settled in. I just don’t know what to do.

So there is my quick update as to the status of my life. Maybe I’ll do this more but probably not knowing myself as I do.

My Hero

Scott — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:57:02 +0000

I know I haven’t been around for a while but I wanted to let you all know I am still here. Work has been stressful and my relationships have been confusing to say the least. I have been escaping into world of warcraft which I am sure doesn’t help and quite frankly my health just sucks. I did get something today which brightened my day and put a much needed smile on my face.

It was the picture that my daughter made while at daycare. I asked her teacher and she said that Emma wanted to make it for daddy because he has been so sad lately. I can’t say enough how much my little girl means to me and how miserable my life would be if she wasn’t in it everyday. It meant so much to me that I am still a little teary eyed over it. She is my hero, as much as I appear to be hers. I love you my little girl, so much.

My Hero from the album “The Colour and the Shape” by Foo Fighters

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, kids, life, love, daughter

This is Halloween

Scott — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:53:08 +0000

Last night was our pumpkin carving night, and this year the kids both wanted Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas, and me being a huge fan just couldn’t say no. So here it is, our frightful Pumpkin King in all his glory. Enjoy.

This is Halloween from the album “The Nightmare Before Christmas” by Danny Elfman

Technorati Tags: design, коли под наемfamily, Halloween, life, movie, Nightmare Before Christmas

The C-Word

Scott — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:18:18 +0000

I know what you dirty bastards were thinking. The C-Word in this post is Confused. Thats what I am right now. I am confused about a great many things actually. This has a lot to do with the fact that I stopped taking my depression meds about 10 days ago. I now know what a junky feels like when he has withdrawal symptoms. I am not the same person I was just a week ago, and I really don’t like it at all. I’m anxious, disoriented and find it hard to deal with more than one thing at a time. The last one is the one that bothers me the most, I’m used to doing ten things at a time and getting a lot done. Right now, I’m lucky to get through this post without totally forgetting where I am and what I’m talking about.

The worst part is that I’m not sure if it is the drugs or the fact that my wife had betrayed me yet again that is bothering me more. I found out that she is still talking to some guy on Second Life, that has caused us issues in the past. I have asked that she stop talking and hanging out with this guy, who she tells me is just some dude online, she doesn’t know his name and doesn’t care for him other than as just a friend. She has basically chosen to be his friend and to talk and hang with him rather than respect my wishes. It makes me confused as she says one thing and does another. She says I mean the world to her but yet she still continues a relationship which will put all of that in jeopardy. It is obvious that this guy means more to her than she is telling me. I hope that is the case because the alternative is that I mean less to her than she says. Either way, she isn’t telling me the truth.

So here I sit confused and alone with my thoughts. Which at the moment is not an entirely good place to be. I fear that the damage to my marriage is not repairable. I know that I am far from an innocent here, but if she asked me to stop talking to a friend to save our marriage I would. I just fear that she has been hurt by me so many times that she will never be able to trust that I have changed. I’m not the man that hurt her in the past, this loss of medication has showed me that I have made a lot of progress in that department. Like everything, I am far finished, and I probably never will be. I shouldn’t ever stop trying to make myself better, and improve the person that I am. I am just confused at the moment. Confused and afraid that the old baggage and “chains that I forged in life” have weighed down my marriage and my relationship with my wife to the point where it can’t move forward and improve. the trust is gone on both sides and that is the saddest part of all.

I’m just confused and scared. I fear for my kids, and the damage I am doing to them. I am confused and lost and don’t know what to do to fix it. I hate not knowing how to fix it.

The C-Word from the album “The Song Of The Day – May” by Beatnik Turtle

Technorati Tags: emotions, fear, life, love, marriage, pain, confused, relationships

Still Loving You Tonight

Scott — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:28:23 +0000

Its a lonely life I live and I live this life to go
And if I leave you with one thing its just that I want
You to know
Ill still be loving you tonight.

I left flowers on your table, left the lock on your door.
Staked a claim in your heartlands, put grain in your store.
Ill still be loving you tonight.
Got fingers on the button of that telephone dial.
Call in and move your mountains, fill your spaces while
Im still loving you tonight.

You want to know how I can leave you?
How can I move along this way?
Too much of a good thing can make you crazy
And its a good thing that happened to me today.
Ill still be loving you tonight.

Its a lonely life I live and I live this life to go
And if I leave you with one thing its just that I want
You to know
Ill still be loving you tonight.

Ok this is just how I have been feeling. I know you are all probably really sick to death of hearing about my miserable life. I just need to work on it and music helps me, it really does. I also have to say that my online friends and the ones that I have met only a few times (you all know who you are), have been the most supportive and caring people to me. I appreciate every last bit of support and love. It has help more than I can ever say. I’m having a hard time but I’m working on my life and I am trying to improve it and make up for a lot of mistakes that I have made. Your support has meant so much and I can never thank you all enough.

Still Loving You Tonight from the album “Catfish Rising” by Jethro Tull

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, life, love, marriage, music, pain, friends, relationships, The Tribe

Viva La Vida

Scott — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:42:10 +0000

Hello again all of you patient people out there. I have been going through a lot of stuff in my personal and professional life in the past week or so. I near got myself fired last week but it did accomplish one thing. I am working on getting a new job. I have finally had it with the middle school politics and my boss and is cliques in this place. If you aren’t related to my boss or related to who he is sleeping with you get ridden about every little thing. I can’t take it anymore and I need to work somewhere that is more professional and I might have room for advancement. My personal life has also taken a turn for the worse. My marriage is starting to fail and I’m not sure if we can repair it. My wife and I have both escaped into our video games. I have Age of Conan, she has Second Life. She plays her game all the time. I’ve tried to cut back on mine, be more interactive with the kids and her, but I feel that he doesn’t see. I spent 2 hours on the game in the past two days. But during those two hours her mom came by to visit and I got yelled at for being on the computer. She on the other hand has rarely come to bed before 12 am and has been as late as 2 am. She is always on and I don’t say anything, I’m just done with the whole argument about game time. She can do want she wants on there as well. She has been a player and had virtual sex with many partners and recently she had a steady boy friend online. I know that I have not been a saint in my past, but I am hurt by this virtual exploration she has been doing. I know I should count myself lucky that it has just been online, but there are still emotions attached to the whole thing. It hurts, it hurts a lot. I know I am the last one who can complain about being hurt by my relationship. God knows I’ve hurt her so much that I’m not even sure why she is with me. I just feel that most of this is happening as her way to get revenge for my errors in the past. I guess I just have to either live with it or move on. I’m really not sure which I want to do, but I suppose she has some say in this as well. I guess for now I wait and see, but I can’t go on like this forever.

Viva La Vida from the album “Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends [Bonus Track]” by Coldplay

Technorati Tags: Age of Conan, emotions, family, fear, life, love, relationships

Now I’m starting to worry.

Scott — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 15:59:45 +0000

My wife has started to go a bit overboard with the Second Life thing. She had her first day of school today and stayed up until almost 2 to play it. What was worse, the fact that she only came to bed after I went out to tell her she needed to. I caught her talking, using the voice feature, to two guys, and that really hurt me. She probably didn’t do anything but it still hurts. She would rather be online with them, then be off line with me. She also seemed to not be ready to come to bed and only did so cause I went out there. Just makes me feel like a second wheel in my marriage. She also tried to make it up to me when she did get there. Made me feel like she was trying to pacify my anger, well it didn’t work. As Jethro Tull put it in “One White Duck”, “My zero to your power of ten equals nothing at all.” That is basically how I feel, like a big fat nothing and, quite frankly, if it keeps up I don’t want to stay in a life where I feel like dirt.

Technorati Tags: family, Second Life

Another Lost Weekend.

Scott — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:19:33 +0000

To quote a Stan Ridgeway song. It was a lost weekend, but a good one. Just felt it went by way to fast.

Friday night was good, finally no work for 2 days and the Patriots played their first (sort of) football game since the AFC championship game. It was good to sit and enjoy a football game. I know I’m a addict for watching the preseason, but I like to watch where the players are at and see the young guys, who are doubtful to make the team, competing for a spot.

Saturday started off slow. The pool installer was behind a day because of the rain on Friday, so I didn’t get to watch him install my pool. I took it easy and got ready for my first good game night in nearly a year. Finally got to play some fantasy RPG D20 system, in my friend Dave’s world. It was a great night, we accomplished our mission, though I came one save away from dying. The only issue I have with my character, is that I have a serious lack of direction. I just don’t know what he wants to be or do. It makes it hard for me to play him, and do him justice. I just have to try and figure it out, talk to Dave and the other character, Rich, and see if I can figure it out. I just need to find his nitch in the world and I’ll be better off.

Sunday was the day! The installer came and set up my baby, my pool! I will post some pictures later on. It came out great, fills that area of the yard like I thought it would, and I can’t wait until we can start swimming in it. It was about a 5 hour job, though I still have to do the fence around it. He gave us a 100 bucks off the install and after the fact, I figured out why. Each section of fence, and there are a lot, needs to be cut to size. That will take me a while to do, but at least I know that I will do a quality job on it. The water truck comes today and the electrician tomorrow, so by the weekend and hopefully before we will be in it and enjoying it. My in-laws visited that afternoon as the guy was finishing up. My father in law is very much against the pool, so I figured it would be a bit of a “I don’t think you should have done this!” visit. Thankfully it wasn’t. He didn’t even bring up the points he had so many times before. I guess he saw it as it was already in so he couldn’t stop us now. We’ll see how that all works out in the end.

Well, that was my weekend. It went by so fast that it felt like I lost it, but in hindsight, it was really a good one.

Technorati Tags: D&D, family, gaming, life, NFL, sports