May

7

Come on Eileen

Filed Under Life 

Confused2Well it has been a while since my last post here. I have been “distracted” to say the least. I’ve been soul searching and it has led to a lot depression amongst other things. I haven’t written a word, or really done anything constructive. I have been escaping. Usually I have been escaping into City of Heroes, so I have become that which I have railed against for so long. I just don’t know. If I start to escape am I as bad as her, if I don’t I’ll end up so depressed that I may just fade away. Then I have to search my feelings and I find that I am so confused about everything. Do I love? Do I want to stay? If I do stay, will things get better or worse? If I leave, am I hurting my kids? Do I make them hate me like I hate my parents? If I leave will it destroy my wife? Will it destroy me? Will it make me better or worse?

ConfusedSo many questions and I don’t know the answers. I really hate my life, and I’m sure that I’m the one to blame. I created this existence for myself. I have people who depend on me and say they love me. Is it wrong for me to want to get away? Will it be temporary or will it be permanent? Still I find more questions and more confusion. I seek professional help and that also leads to more questions and more indecision. I feel like I just need to “do” something, pick one option and choose it, for good or for ill. Quite frankly I’m scared, scared to death.

Come on Eileen from the album “Too-Rye-Ay” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners & Kevin Rowland

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