Sometimes I wonder Why?
Posted by Scott on Apr 2, 2008 under Life, Writing
Why do I put myself through all the pain? Why does it seem I am destined to be alone, misunderstood or just plain loathed. I know that my family loves me, but I feel that the root is much deeper and has everything to do with myself and not those around me. I set all these goals, and have such great plans for thins I want to do. When push comes to shove, I fold. I never finish what I start. That is the core problem with myself and I have come to realize that. I need to change this, I know I do, but I think I fear to have success and that is why I don’t finish. I am afraid to be worthy, praised as being good at anything. I believe that I am afraid to admit that I have ability or talent. That I am anything but a miserable, loathsome creature.
I think my issues started with my childhood, having to fend for myself all the time and not getting the praise that I child should get from their parents when they do something well. I never had that. In fact I resented when my brother and sister got it, even though I preformed better in school then they did. I needed to recognize my fear so I can move beyond it. I need to finish what I start. I have to not let my own self loathing and fear force me not finish my projects. I now know what I need to change about myself. I have to make these changes if I’m to grow and move beyond the past.
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