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My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• 18:06 New blog post: What I’ve been Tweeting… tinyurl.com/2r28uq #

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My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• 18:10 New blog post: What I’ve been Tweeting… tinyurl.com/2o7mbt #
• 10:38 Why I am surrounded by people and totally alone? #
• 11:07 @pseudojoe Have a good one Joe! #
• 11:37 @TSDivaDani Thats explains a lot about me! #
• 11:39 @TeeMonster Shatner but I’m an old school guy. #
• 11:50 @mightmur Just finished listening to ISBW #87, The PT needs her own podcast ;^) #
• 13:29 New blog post: What a sad strange trip….. tinyurl.com/3crmm9 #
• 15:22 @mightymur Page not found. Something is up. #
• 15:37 :^( I want to go to the Mur Lafferty Lunch #

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I have been experiencing some definite sad emotions over the past few days. I’ve been looking at my life and examining my place in the world, and frankly it has made me extremely depressed. My wife is scared of me. She is afraid to confront me on common household issues. Am I such a monster, such a horrible being that the woman I love is scared to discuss difficult issues with me? I’ve been looking into what I may have done to her in the past that has caused her to think me such an unresponsive person, such a argumentative being that she can’t even ask me to clean the house with her. When did I become such a beast? I believe that it started at a young age. My childhood was no exactly the normal typical, Leave it to Beaver kind of experience. My father was not around much, and when he was I was the child that he avoided. My father has his own issues and I’m sure that having a son who excelled in school (he had never made it out of 5th grade) scared him a little. He has admitted to me that he never knew how to handle me and had more in common with my brother. My mother on the other hand, treated me with distain. It was always my fault for everything because I was the oldest. I had to be the responsible one. Well I just wanted to be left alone to read and create, write and draw. I didn’t want to watch my brother or sister.
All of this negative treatment just built and built. I retreated in the fantasy worlds I created and when D&D became popular I had the perfect outlet. I withdrew more and more. I had a select few friends who I played with, and got in trouble with. It was nothing that a normal kid my age didn’t do. Shoplifting, spray painting my name and art on buildings, and getting into fights with other kids. At home, I more and more wanted nothing to do with my family. As I grew, even though I was a “bad boy” a trouble maker, my grades in school were great. When we were placed in the middle school I was put in honors classes, with a whole group of kids I didn’t understand. Their families had money and were supportive. I became friends with a few but never understood their home lives. Mainly because it was so alien to me. When we moved when I was just about to go into high school that was more culture shock. We moved from the city to a rural town. I really didn’t fit in there. I have friends from high school, many of who I am still friends with today. Their home lives were still very alien, but I was getting vindication from my friends. Things like, “Dude your mom is crazy.” “Why does she treat you that way?” were just a few things my friends would tell me when we were away from my house. The last bit of my rebellion against my parents started when they would gush over my brother and sisters grades and dismissed mine. I was still doing well in school in some of the highest class levels, where my brother would take tech classes and get B’s and my sister would get D’s and C’s in the lowest grade levels there were. They were praised and given the love I sought, and it was just expected that I would come home with A’s. As usual, I was the one that was there to help my sister with her homework, and still get blamed when she failed because she never tried. I felt like my life was so bad that I must have been destined to be a horrible person. My life sucked.
So I withdrew and withdrew from family. I would go over my friends houses and feel completely out of place. I didn’t understand, still don’t really, what it was like to have a normal family life. even when I met my wife and we started dating I felt awkward around her family. They were supportive and caring. I never got that at home. To a point, I still don’t get the support. I would love to take the time everyday to write, but I feel that if I do I am being selfish and taking away from my family. Plus I feel like my wife would resent me for taking the time for myself. I just feel like the world just wants me to drink it’s Kool Ade and stop being me. I should just conform to everything. Part of me wants to, part of me says to withdraw, the best self defense mechanism that I have had. I just don’t want to alienate my family. They are the only things that keep me from just secluding myself away on a mountain and disappearing from the world. Now I find that I scare my wife, that she can’t talk to me. I don’t know what I did, but I’m sure that my fucked up existence has had something to do with it. I just don’t want to stop being creative. I don’t want to lose the things I love but I don’t really know how to do it. I’m just confused as hell. Maybe I should drink the Kool Ade and just disappear into obscurity.

Technorati Tags: family, life, love, pain, relationships

My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• 10:42 @Cmaaarrr I loved the opening you did for Wasteland, Super funny! #
• 12:11 :^( I wish I was closer to the Tribe #

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I know it has been quite some time since I posted anything meaningful here. It has been a difficult past few weeks. I have been trying to pull things together in my life, make me and my family whole once again. As usual though, I feel as if I have made things worse. I feel like my wife is retreating into Second Life more than before, and I think this is my fault somehow. I have done very little writing in the past few weeks but I have been rereading my NaNoWriMo 2007 novel in hopes that I can rekindle my muse and finish it. My work has been a major downer, they closed another site last week and I have the feeling that it is only a matter of time until our little piece of composing hell will be gone. So I have had very little to look forward to in my life. To say the least I have been a miserable bastard to be around. The only salvation I have had is My online gaming which has also become something of a chore. My son who is also involved in the game bugs me to let him play. He needs to finish all of his homework before he can play and then is timed so he only spends an hour, but he bugs me non-stop when his time is up to play again. It just makes me not want to play, and makes it a chore when I do play while he is around. The other thing that I have enjoyed recently is Dr. Who. I have recently discovered the new series and have been absorbing every episode. I have to admit that David Tennant is awesome as the Doctor. I’m not to sure about how they keep changing companions though, I’ll wait to see what the four season brings, but I’ll miss Martha Jones. I liked her.

Anyway, I don’t want to bore you to much here, but that is the state of me. I hope to be able to post some updates on my writing soon. I hopeful that if I immerse myself in my writing that I’ll be able to find the joy that I am sorely missing in my life right now.

Technorati Tags: life, work, writing

My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• work is nearly done. I am going to reread my WIP so I can finish writing it. Today will not be wasted. #
• why oh why do I waste my time here! #
• @etherius it has nothing to do with the Tribe, and everything to do with my workplace. You guys make this survivable. #
• @maebreakall Thanks! #
• Ok all I’m going home to read my writing and edit as I go. Today will not be wasted! #

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My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• work is nearly done. I am going to reread my WIP so I can finish writing it. Today will not be wasted. #
• why oh why do I waste my time here! #
• @etherius it has nothing to do with the Tribe, and everything to do with my workplace. You guys make this survivable. #
• @maebreakall Thanks! #
• Ok all I’m going home to read my writing and edit as I go. Today will not be wasted! #

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My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• Ahhh Easter Sunday and I’m at work. #
• Well I don’t know if it is because it is a holiday, or that they workers just want out, but It looks like it is going to be an early day. #
• Time to head to family dinner. Thoughts of a great man filling my head. Thank you Joe Murphy, you are sorely missed. #

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My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• Busy night of Dr. Who. Why did I wait so long to watch this show. I now want to watch the old eps from the 70’s. #
• @TeeMonster he is far and away my favorite Doctor. I may be lynched for this but I like him better than Tom Baker. Don’t hit me, please. #
• @mightymur Congrats!!!! I’m looking forward to listening to the 1st eps today. #
• @mswmedia steelcut is the way to go. Nom Nom Nom. #

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My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• @trillian1117 welcome back! #
• hot water from our boiler is flooding our basement. Oh joy. That is all. #

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