So here I am, the crossroads reached, where the hell do I go from here. I take a left and head that way and my life changes. I take a right and even more changes. I can go straight and keep everything as is, but that way will probably lead to more heartache and pain. It is a hard decision.
On the left I have my family and the attempt to salvage my relationship with my wife. This is a daunting road, because the only thing I can really control in this is myself. I can only hope that if I choose this road, that she will see that I’m attempting to be a part of her life. Maybe that will make it easier for her to move away from the game which is driving a wedge between us. It scares me not knowing if I am what she really wants or if I am to blame for her retreating into the arms of Second Life. Maybe I am the problem, and not the cure. I don’t know how to fix it.
On the right, this is the bleakest of roads. No street lights, or even other cars. This path is the one where I set off on my own and not look back. This road scares the hell out of me. I would be on my own, I couldn’t rely on any help. I would have to forge a life for myself and start over. I am sure that if I choose this road, I would never be able to see the kids, my family would hate me, and I would probably hate myself. It doesn’t seem like happiness in any form lay down this road. It is far to dark and foreboding. Or perhaps I’m just afraid.
Then there is the straight road. Push on forward and keep going as is. To do this and be able to survive, I would need to shut down, close my heart back up, so that I would have the illusion of safety. I would be able to stand the pain because I would close down as I did when my grandfather died, and I lost the only positive influence in my life. I would have to be the cold, calculating, unemotional hulk that I was before. I would have to embrace my anger again, as it was a useful weapon to stave off the pain and heartache. Can I do this? I have in the past. I know that it would mean returning to the person that I didn’t like very much, the one that was hated by everyone around me. Some choice, huh.
So here I sit, at the crossroads of my life. I know which path to take, or do I? I really don’t know which would be the best for me in the long run. I can hope I know. I can hope I’m right when I choose. The fact that I may be wrong is what is stopping me. That fear which has always ruled my life. What if I choose and I’m wrong? Indecision is a horrible mistress.
