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Well I have done a few things. I have decided to write my story about a young man who realizes he has incredible powers, and the consequences of these powers on his life and how he deals with them. That being said, I really have no idea yet about the character, but I will have some generalities done by Thursday. I hope anyway. I still have to work on the world and the setting a bit but I have a starting point now.

I have done the logistics of it all. I’m hoping to write both in the morning and at night. I have about an hour set aside for each writing time. I don’t exactly have a space yet but I can figure that out today when I get home. I’m aiming to write about 1000 words in each writing “session” so I’ll average about 2000 words a day. If I can keep that pace up I will be finished around Thanksgiving which would be spectacular. I think these are both attainable goals. I can easily sit down in one session and hang a thousand words in my laptop. So I’m hoping that by having to writing “sessions” a day it will keep me fresh, give me time to think things through. Figure out where the story is going and plot the characters next moves and reactions to what has happened so far. That is my plan and I’m going to try like hell to stick to it. Hopefully I will be able to.

Technorati Tags: fear, NaNoWriMo, superheroes, writing

Ok, I thought I was getting over my illness, but it seems that spending my Sunday afternoon at a windy Gillette Stadium watching the Patriots stomp on the Redskins, was not a good way to recover from the plague I suffered last week. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the beat down as any Pat’s fan would, but the cold relentless wind has brought back the horrible yuck feeling. I can tell I’m back on the road to plagueville. I am hoping that I can catch this before I get to bad, but I have no real idea how to prevent the yuck. I tried everything last time and it didn’t help at all.

In other news, NaNoWriMo starts in 3 days. I have no idea what to write about. Well that isn’t exactly true, I have plenty of ideas. I just need to settle on one idea and do it. My fried Dave really wants me to write about my characters exploits in his game world. I feel that it would be an injustice to do that for NaNo. I would much rather take my time and do as good a job as I’m capable of. NaNoWriMo doesn’t really give me that option as I have to do 50,000 words in 30 days. I am leaning toward an idea about a Heroes type story. It would mean no listening to Mur Lafferty’s Playing for Keeps until after NaNoWriMo was over. I wouldn’t want my idea to be tainted by her story of Super Heroes. Which I am bummed about, I love her writing and am looking forward to listening to her first novel. Anyway, I think I will go with my story-line but I don’t have any outline, background or any character development. I have 3 days to get something set up and ready to go, or I’ll be winging it big time and I really don’t think that is a good idea.

Technorati Tags: heroes, illness, life, NaNoWriMo, Mur Lafferty, Playing for Keeps, writing

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear’s path, and only I will remain.” Paul Atreides, Dune (1984).

I wish I was as strong as Paul Atreides, but fear is the cursed bitch mistress, that I have danced with for far to long. I have allowed her to paralyze me, hold me back and overall keep me from doing what I wanted and needed to do. I have been fearful of making decisions, fearful that in making them, I will hurt those near me. It is really my own doing. I’ve closed myself up, locked my emotions away, for fear of being hurt. Most of my troubles have resulted directly from my fear of confront those I had issues with. My fear is my mind killer. I renders me helpless. Big ol’ me, who could smash a problem to pieces physically. I find myself wanting to run, rather then confront my issues. My fear is more than the little-death, it seems to me to be giant-death and all consuming.

I need to learn from Paul Atreides. I need to face my fears, confront my issues head on. I need to learn to let the fear pass through me, not well up in my soul and paralyze me. I need to learn to bend like a reed in the wind and stand up for myself. I need to face fear’s path, master my fears and only then can I move forward with my life. Only when I am free of fear, can I make something of my life. I need to find the courage to write, the courage to be a better father and husband. I need to find the courage to finally, maybe, be the man I was supposed to be.

Technorati Tags: life, relationships, fear

So here I am, the crossroads reached, where the hell do I go from here. I take a left and head that way and my life changes. I take a right and even more changes. I can go straight and keep everything as is, but that way will probably lead to more heartache and pain. It is a hard decision.

On the left I have my family and the attempt to salvage my relationship with my wife. This is a daunting road, because the only thing I can really control in this is myself. I can only hope that if I choose this road, that she will see that I’m attempting to be a part of her life. Maybe that will make it easier for her to move away from the game which is driving a wedge between us. It scares me not knowing if I am what she really wants or if I am to blame for her retreating into the arms of Second Life. Maybe I am the problem, and not the cure. I don’t know how to fix it.

On the right, this is the bleakest of roads. No street lights, or even other cars. This path is the one where I set off on my own and not look back. This road scares the hell out of me. I would be on my own, I couldn’t rely on any help. I would have to forge a life for myself and start over. I am sure that if I choose this road, I would never be able to see the kids, my family would hate me, and I would probably hate myself. It doesn’t seem like happiness in any form lay down this road. It is far to dark and foreboding. Or perhaps I’m just afraid.

Then there is the straight road. Push on forward and keep going as is. To do this and be able to survive, I would need to shut down, close my heart back up, so that I would have the illusion of safety. I would be able to stand the pain because I would close down as I did when my grandfather died, and I lost the only positive influence in my life. I would have to be the cold, calculating, unemotional hulk that I was before. I would have to embrace my anger again, as it was a useful weapon to stave off the pain and heartache. Can I do this? I have in the past. I know that it would mean returning to the person that I didn’t like very much, the one that was hated by everyone around me. Some choice, huh.

So here I sit, at the crossroads of my life. I know which path to take, or do I? I really don’t know which would be the best for me in the long run. I can hope I know. I can hope I’m right when I choose. The fact that I may be wrong is what is stopping me. That fear which has always ruled my life. What if I choose and I’m wrong? Indecision is a horrible mistress.

Technorati Tags: life, pain

So here I am, the crossroads reached, where the hell do I go from here. I take a left and head that way and my life changes. I take a right and even more changes. I can go straight and keep everything as is, but that way will probably lead to more heartache and pain. It is a hard decision.

On the left I have my family and the attempt to salvage my relationship with my wife. This is a daunting road, because the only thing I can really control in this is myself. I can only hope that if I choose this road, that she will see that I’m attempting to be a part of her life. Maybe that will make it easier for her to move away from the game which is driving a wedge between us. It scares me not knowing if I am what she really wants or if I am to blame for her retreating into the arms of Second Life. Maybe I am the problem, and not the cure. I don’t know how to fix it.

On the right, this is the bleakest of roads. No street lights, or even other cars. This path is the one where I set off on my own and not look back. This road scares the hell out of me. I would be on my own, I couldn’t rely on any help. I would have to forge a life for myself and start over. I am sure that if I choose this road, I would never be able to see the kids, my family would hate me, and I would probably hate myself. It doesn’t seem like happiness in any form lay down this road. It is far to dark and foreboding. Or perhaps I’m just afraid.

Then there is the straight road. Push on forward and keep going as is. To do this and be able to survive, I would need to shut down, close my heart back up, so that I would have the illusion of safety. I would be able to stand the pain because I would close down as I did when my grandfather died, and I lost the only positive influence in my life. I would have to be the cold, calculating, unemotional hulk that I was before. I would have to embrace my anger again, as it was a useful weapon to stave off the pain and heartache. Can I do this? I have in the past. I know that it would mean returning to the person that I didn’t like very much, the one that was hated by everyone around me. Some choice, huh.

So here I sit, at the crossroads of my life. I know which path to take, or do I? I really don’t know which would be the best for me in the long run. I can hope I know. I can hope I’m right when I choose. The fact that I may be wrong is what is stopping me. That fear which has always ruled my life. What if I choose and I’m wrong? Indecision is a horrible mistress.

Technorati Tags: life, pain

Not to bad considering the dumbed down editing tools they had on the site. No timeline so it made it hard to sync up the sound with the photos but I think it can out ok.

Technorati Tags: movie, star wars

Lots of life decisions have to be made and I don’t think I’m in the state of mind that I need to be to make them. I know that I need to slow down and not make rash, quick and not well thought out plans, but it didn’t stop me from making a total ass of myself yesterday. I’m down now even though I have no reason to be. I guess I was getting hopeful that I could find some modicum of happiness, and yet again I was just fooling myself. I think that is what bothers me the most right now. The signs were there, and pretty plainly, but I was to “hopeful” to see any of them. Now that I’ve had time to sit back and reflect on everything I’ve done wrong do I see them.

I just need to collect myself, not allow hope, happiness and fantasy to cloud my judgement, and move forward. Try to salvage what I have left I guess is my best option, at least at this time. I don’t know for sure what is best for me in the long run. Maybe happiness is not something I’m supposed to have in my life. I may just have to come to that realization and learn to life with it. Who really knows what the grand scheme of life holds for them. I guess I just have to take each day one step at a time, “in a misty misery!” (quote to Jethro Tull, Flying Dutchman) God I feel like that small miserable kid who just closed out everything and everyone to make the hurt go away.

Technorati Tags: family, life

Things have been, well, difficult on the personal from. I’m getting through but it is still hard.

I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo 2008, so I’ll be giving it a shot again this year. My friend Dave wants me to write based on his world and his game. I’m not sure, I’m a little to close to it and I would rather spend the time writing that then the mad dash of NaNo. I’m working on a few ideas, definitely want to go in a different genre this year. No fantasy. Maybe Vampire or super heroes or something else. I have some time to decide.

I’ve written very little on my short story. I’ll have to get in gear on that so it will be done before November gets here.

Thanks to everyone who sent good thoughts my way, they were all appreciated.

Technorati Tags: life, NaNoWriMo, writing