I sit here, it is almost one o’clock and I am absolutely dreading the coming of tomorrow. We will be taking my sweet, little girl to Boston for surgery sometime tomorrow, we still don’t know when. It is eating me up inside. I honestly don’t know how to deal with this, with out complete emotional shutdown. I don’t want to work, write or do anything but escape and hide. Am I normal? I know that I will be there for my little one tomorrow, but right now, I don’t want to be near people, or even hear them. I am a mess. It hasn’t changed anything, my fear of this procedure. It won’t change anything. I just have to be strong and hold my babies hand while she deals with the after surgery pain. I think that is what I dread the most. Her being in pain, me not being able to ease that pain, and her blaming me for it, because I let them do it her. She doesn’t understand that she should have it done, she doesn’t even understand yet that there is something wrong, that the surgery will benefit her in the long run. I just hope she doesn’t hate me after. I don’t know if I could live with that.
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