I need to write, something, anything. I stopped writing at the end of November, due mostly to family issues but also due to the fact that was a failure at NaNoWriMo. I know that I shouldn’t make excuses for not writing, and I’m not trying to. I trying to figure out why I can do so well for one month and then be so scared that I can’t type on my laptop again. I know the issues I’ve been dealing with personally have got me swinging up and down mood wise and analyzing everything I do and my motivations for doing them. I’m just so confused. Part of what got me thinking about writing again was something someone asked me yesterday. The simple question, “What makes you Happy?” To tell the truth I didn’t know. I sat there, staring at her like an idiot and I couldn’t give her an answer. That really bothered me, on so many levels. Here it is a day later and it is still bothering me. There are things that I enjoy and that make me happy, like my family and my wife. But while I was looking at my life I found it to be devoid of stuff that I do that makes me happy. I keep busy and stuff but I’m missing those things that would make me a happier person. Looking back on it, NaNoWriMo made me happy. I really enjoyed writing and creating. I think the reason I haven’t gone back to it is because I don’t know how to handle that kind of joy. It really scared me. But I’ll examine that another time. I need to get that joy back, I need to be happier than I am.

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