May

22

OMG I need to write.

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P7110009-Grose-Antique-Books-With-Candle-1436X1104I need to write, something, anything. I stopped writing at the end of November, due mostly to family issues but also due to the fact that was a failure at NaNoWriMo. I know that I shouldn’t make excuses for not writing, and I’m not trying to. I trying to figure out why I can do so well for one month and then be so scared that I can’t type on my laptop again. I know the issues I’ve been dealing with personally have got me swinging up and down mood wise and analyzing everything I do and my motivations for doing them. I’m just so confused. Part of what got me thinking about writing again was something someone asked me yesterday.Happyface-Smiley The simple question, “What makes you Happy?” To tell the truth I didn’t know. I sat there, staring at her like an idiot and I couldn’t give her an answer. That really bothered me, on so many levels. Here it is a day later and it is still bothering me. There are things that I enjoy and that make me happy, like my family and my wife. But while I was looking at my life I found it to be devoid of stuff that I do that makes me happy. I keep busy and stuff but I’m missing those things that would make me a happier person. Looking back on it, NaNoWriMo made me happy. I really enjoyed writing and creating. I think the reason I haven’t gone back to it is because I don’t know how to handle that kind of joy. It really scared me. But I’ll examine that another time. I need to get that joy back, I need to be happier than I am.

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May

18

This is too good!

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May

8

Been doing a lot of thinking lately…..

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Automart-Toilet-TrooperI’m not sure if that has been a good thing. I’ve been dwelling a bit on my mortality, and what legacy I’ll leave when I’m gone. Am I going to leave a lasting presence or just disappear into the obscurity of the world. I just look at everything that I’ve started, never finished and I see a great deal of things. It bothers me that I can’t seem to finish what I start. I get so gun-ho about this project or that writing piece and then my focus wanes and I end up doing something else. Even these other projects end up in a pile somewhere never finished. I am starting to wonder if I suffer from some sort of disorder. God knows that I have enough to fill one persons life, I’m not sure I could take having any more. I do know that I need to get off the proverbial “pot” and finish something, for once in my life at least. Though, I need to decide what. I would like to finish my nanowrimo novel from last year. To at least say that I finished something. Then maybe I’ll move to the next thing on my list. I hope that in finishing something, I’ll be able to carry on with that momentum. Maybe, I’ll feel like my life was worth something and would have meaning.

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May

1

Thoughts of Joe

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Joe MurphyI know I haven’t posted in a while I’ve been dealing with my own personal issues. I will get into those later but I need to keep things in perspective. I still have my life, my family and my friends. I still can enjoy the gifts that God has shared with me. It is at these times that I remember that things could be much different. I’m relatively healthy and really have nothing to complain about that amounts to anything of real substance. I have found that remembering Joe Murphy and what he had to struggle with in his last days makes my problems seem less than nothing. I encourage you all to go on over to the Joe Murphy Memorial Fund page and give what you can and read about an amazing man who was taken from his family and friends far to soon.

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