I know it is something that I probably should not do too often, and it does lead to my head aching an awful lot. I realize that I have to write, because I really enjoy it. Even though I was under a tremendous deadline with NaNoWriMo, it was the most enjoyable time I have had in a long time. I felt creative again. It sounds funny, a graphic designer saying that he felt creative writing. I have come to the conclusion that my job offers very little opportunity to be creative. My boss calls it the fast food of design with good reason. I felt alive, creatively, for the first time since design school. I enjoyed the way the story flowed from me. It was like I was just transcribing the story as it was related to me. It was a nice feeling, having the words flow from me.
I, though, had to punish myself, by taking this joy away. I have been very depressed lately, just subsisting, living like a robot, doing what I need to, to get by. I’ve needed to become a bit emotionally distant, trying to distance myself from them. I don’t want to fall into the same trap as before. I need to understand why I fell down, what was the cause, and until I know I can’t trust myself to feel anything. I need to withdraw to protect myself, and my family. I just hope that they understand my fear. I have entertained thoughts of writing again. I worry that it will lead me to feel again, lead me down the path to my destruction.
So I am at a crossroads. Do I return to writing and risk feeling joy, and opening myself to the emotions again, or do I just not write and continue as I have for the past 2 weeks. Looks like I need to think on this some more.
