Yes the deadline has passed and I sit firmly on my pile of 28,000 words. Looking about I see that I could have reached the summit, if I had no life and just had to work and write. Hell given those sets of boundaries I could have written 100,000 words. But that ain’t my life no siree. I live in a world with a wonderful wife, who really tolerates too much shit from me, and two lovely kids who I am sure would like a more attentive dad. I work at a job that I give 150% too and I get asked is that all you got? I don’t know if I can give anymore to a thankless place. I’m not sure that I should anyway. My boss asked me the other day if I had emailed some error responses, that are technically his job, when I replied that I didn’t have time he was all, well what did you have time for? What do you do around here? I was shocked. I had been doing the job of the two coordinators here, who he allowed to both take the same time off which left him shorthanded. I also had to do all of my own work and I guess I had to do my bosses as well. That is just a sampling of the hell I call work.
I attempted to write a 50,000 word novel. I got more then halfway there even given the trials that are my life. That is an accomplishment in and of itself, but I still feel like I failed. I know that I could have done it, I know it. I just feel like a failure for so many things in my life. I feel like a failure as a supervisor at work, I feel like I have failed my kids, especially my son who has been going to the nurse at school almost everyday complaining about this aliment or that. I am sure that he is seeking the attention that I should be giving him at home. I feel like I have failed my daughter, who can’t go to sleep at night regardless of how tired she is. I can’t ease her into sleep and my wife seems to be the only one who has success. Which brings me to my wife. My sweet loving tolerant wife. She is the one I have failed the most. She knows what I have done, how much I have broken her heart. I can only say that I am so sorry and hope and pray that she will someday forgive me. So overall I am a failure at everything I do, I don’t know why I was surprised that I did not make the 50,000 word goal. It is just like everything else in my life.
I just fail.
Technorati Tags: family, life, NaNoWriMo, pain, work, writing
