Had a rough few weeks dealing with my health both mental and physical. It has been super hard and very difficult for me to handle. I have been dealing with things that I quite frankly don’t want to deal with. I’ve had to realize that things in my life are far, very far from what I had hoped it would be. I have to start rebuilding and starting to make my life something that I can be proud of, and I can be someone my kids can be proud of.
I am trying to reconstruct myself and deal with so much stuff. I am living on my own for the first time really ever. I am alone emotionally, a place I have been but had been fooling myself about for a long time. I have been out of work for so long that I doubt that I will be able to return and be as good as I know I can at my job. I have bills to pay and been out of work and I’m hurting so bad money wise and I really have no one to talk to about it. I could go on and on and on almost with out end, but honestly I need to just get a grip and make my life, MY life.
The most difficult part is knowing who I am. I have lived my life to serve everyone around me but myself. I tried to be the kid my parents wanted, that never worked. I tried to be the man my wife wanted, instead of the man I should have been. I played that role for so long that I forgot who I was. I need to do a search for who I really am. I know this will not be easy, but until I discover this missing aspect of myself I will never be the person I am, the father I want to be. I need to do this, for myself and my kids.
Still Fighting It from the album “Rockin’ the Suburbs” by Ben Folds