My Notes

All Alone

I was just laying in bed and I realized that I am all alone. I am surrounded by people daily yet I’m alone. It is a very scary feeling to know this. I am alone, completely and utterly alone. No one to catch me when I fall, no one to praise me when I succeed. I am alone in the world with only myself as a guide. I have no one, and perhaps this is for the best. I’m about at the bottom of the well of life. I need to decide if I can climb out of it or just stay down in the muck. Now I know I’m scared, and I know the only help I really have is me. God this really sucks.

Tags: Life, purpose, sanity

Balticon here I come.

Today I finally made the decision to attend Balticon this year. I hope to meet and hang out with all the cool and special people who have touched my life and I can call friend. I am looking forward to some time away where I can collect my thoughts and decide on a path for my life. It has been a long and hard road since last year and I am grateful that I have made it this far but there is much work that still needs to be done before I find out who I am and what I was meant to do on Earth.

Tags: Balticon, Family, Life

Trois: A Tribute to Natalie Morris

I am far to late in putting this up but my friend, and my Captain, Tee Morris, lost his loving wife. He put together a tribute to her that I want to share with you all and hope that you will feel as moved as I was. He and his beautiful child are dealing with a loss that I can not pretend to know, but I can feel in my heart the turmoil and pain this loss has caused.

Please help my friend and his daughter, in any way you can.

See his original post here: Trois: A Tribute to Natalie Morris

Tags: death, Family, kids, Life, loss, memories, mother, Natalie Morris, rememberance

Christmas Disaster

ok I know what you’re thinking. The disaster was just that though, I fell down the stairs while headed to my brother in laws house Christmas morning. Oh boy, it hurt a lot. my right leg got trapped underneath me and I slide down nine steps. I feared the worst. As I found out today my fears were unfounded. dianosis: sprained MCL. So lots of pain meds and I get to walk with a cane for a while. I know feel like a very old man, hopefully I can knock a few whipper snappers heads with it.

Tags: injury, Life, xmas

Oh its just me again

Well it has been a LOOOONNNNGGGG time since I wrote one of these. Many things have changed since I have. One thing hasn’t, I’m still unemployeed. My health has gone to pot in the past 7 monthes and I have started on insulin injections. So far the insulin has done nothing to lower my sugars and everything to raise my stress levels. I have to nightly stick a needle in my abdomin. Not fun for the guy who hates needles. Mentally I’m about gone. Depression over not finding a job, failing my family, and an overall apathy toward my ability to be a good husband and father has settled in. I just don’t know what to do.

So there is my quick update as to the status of my life. Maybe I’ll do this more but probably not knowing myself as I do.

Tags: Life

Take Out the Trash

I know I have been out of touch and not really updating anything, my blog or twitter. I’ve just been really stressed and not sure what way I’m going or what way I’ve been. As it turns out I’ve had a good reason to stress over the job front anyway.

I’ve had my suspicions that they would be closing our composing site for a while. The books were shrinking at a rapid rate and we were working fewer and fewer hours each week. That didn’t prepare me at all for what happened.

On Monday we found out that the whole company, Yes, you heard me right, THE WHOLE COMPANY was getting the axe. They were shutting down the publishing part of the business and concentrating on the .com part. That will put a ton of people out of work, including me. After nearly eight years I’m getting the axe. I know that I complained like hell about the politics and petty bull shit of this place, but this was the first job I got in design and I had worked myself into a nice comfortable place, free of most of the stress that working offers.

Now I have to move on, into the unknown and find my place. The biggest issue is to determine what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m not young anymore, and the prospect of just excepting any job just to have money coming in makes me cringe, but I have to keep my family afloat. That is the most important part that my family can enjoy life as they have it, and not want for anything.

Geez, I just don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. It is so new that I am still numb from it and I’ve been escaping from it the past two days. I guess I just have to face it and move on, and pray that my life will get better. It will at least allow me to get out of this rut that I’m in.

Take Out the Trash from the album “The Else” by They Might Be Giants

Tags: Family, Life, unemployment, work

Dirty Little Secret

Raw evil score: 71.11%

This in a very scary way does make sense. Though on second thought I would definitely kick the puppy.

Dirty Little Secret from the album “Move Along” by The All-American Rejects

Technorati Tags: meme

My Hero

I know I haven’t been around for a while but I wanted to let you all know I am still here. Work has been stressful and my relationships have been confusing to say the least. I have been escaping into world of warcraft which I am sure doesn’t help and quite frankly my health just sucks. I did get something today which brightened my day and put a much needed smile on my face.

It was the picture that my daughter made while at daycare. I asked her teacher and she said that Emma wanted to make it for daddy because he has been so sad lately. I can’t say enough how much my little girl means to me and how miserable my life would be if she wasn’t in it everyday. It meant so much to me that I am still a little teary eyed over it. She is my hero, as much as I appear to be hers. I love you my little girl, so much.

My Hero from the album “The Colour and the Shape” by Foo Fighters

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, kids, life, love, daughter

Empty Spaces

It would seem that due to my sickness over the weekend I will not be doing NaNoWriMo this year. I hope to try and do some writing and to go to a few of the write ins and write more than I have been in a long time. I just think with all the stuff going on in my life and my general health issues that I can’t pace myself to actively complete NaNoWriMo this year. I’m sorry to all my friends if I am letting you down, I know that I am letting myself down. There is always next year.

Empty Spaces from the album “The Wall” by Pink Floyd

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, illness, life, NaNoWriMo, writing