Still Fighting It

AdvertisingFC.jpgHad a rough few weeks dealing with my health both mental and physical. It has been super hard and very difficult for me to handle. I have been dealing with things that I quite frankly don’t want to deal with. I’ve had to realize that things in my life are far, very far from what I had hoped it would be. I have to start rebuilding and starting to make my life something that I can be proud of, and I can be someone my kids can be proud of.

social-theory-blog-fight-club1.jpg I am trying to reconstruct myself and deal with so much stuff. I am living on my own for the first time really ever. I am alone emotionally, a place I have been but had been fooling myself about for a long time. I have been out of work for so long that I doubt that I will be able to return and be as good as I know I can at my job. I have bills to pay and been out of work and I’m hurting so bad money wise and I really have no one to talk to about it. I could go on and on and on almost with out end, but honestly I need to just get a grip and make my life, MY life.

The most difficult part is knowing who I am. I have lived my life to serve everyone around me but myself. I tried to be the kid my parents wanted, that never worked. I tried to be the man my wife wanted, instead of the man I should have been. I played that role for so long that I forgot who I was. I need to do a search for who I really am. I know this will not be easy, but until I discover this missing aspect of myself I will never be the person I am, the father I want to be. I need to do this, for myself and my kids.

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Still Fighting It from the album “Rockin’ the Suburbs” by Ben Folds

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Broken

It has been a difficult day for me. I’ve been working on what I want out of life, and it has forced me to take a hard look at who I was and what has happened in my life to bring me to this point. Frankly, I’m not a very nice person. Actually from my stand point now I am a total asshole, and have been for a very long time.the-lonely-man

Just on an emotional standpoint, I have had four “Loves” in my life. People who I have actually and honestly loved for who they were, besides my children. I’m thinking of women here who were all perfect in my eyes. The first was my ex-wife, and I can’t list all the reasons here that I destroyed that relationship, I’d be writing all year long. I look back and I know why things fell apart, me. Plain and simple I screwed up that relationship a long, long time ago.

The second was Sheila. I felt like I could be myself with her, because we were just friends. So I was just me. I knew it was happening, that she was falling in love with me and instead of being a man about it and returning her love (cause I felt it too), I ran like a chicken. I had every excuse in the book to justify it, but looking back it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I hurt her, because she cared about me. This unfortunately has become a theme with me.

The third was Enigma, and no that isn’t her real name. You know protect the innocent and all. I was in a hard place in my life, actually when hasn’t it been difficult for me. Again I opened up to her and was myself, big mistake. I thought it was safe, she lived on the other side of the world, there was no way I could meet her, ruin her life. It just wasn’t her life I ruined. I’m sure that she has regrets about knowing me, we did have good times together talking about life, love and everything. I know that I hurt her too, because I ran away. I was getting scared that I was falling in “love” with her, and I was right. If she asked I’d be on a plane to her even to this day. I wouldn’t do that to her or her family. I’m a curse.

Lastly there was someone I met at work. She never returned my feelings and she was right to do so. I’m a monster inside and if she had, I’d have probably done more damage than I already have. Again I opened myself up to her and allowed my selfishness to destroy the best relationship I have had in years. I knew she would never feel the way I did and she didn’t have to. I was just happy to be around her, joke with her and share the dark parts of myself so I would have some relief. I shouldn’t have, it resulted in the end of our friendship and to be honest I’m scared to try and be her friend again. I don’t want to hurt her or anyone else for that matter.

So where does that leave me now. It leaves me all alone, but I need to be that way. I can’t risk someone getting hurt by the monster that is me. I can’t allow myself to love or care for anyone, even my kids, because I will ruin them without meaning to. It is just what I am, everything I touch turns to shit and I can’t be responsible for hurting anyone else ever again.

Broken (New/Radio Version) from the album “Broken (New/Radio Version)-Single” by Lifehouse

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When the World is Running Down, …

 

Photo illustration by Mindy Ricketts

Today was not an easy day for me. First was bankruptcy court, which was painless but led to severe anxiety and the realization that after all this time my marriage was over. Second came the question from someone I didn’t know about how I dealt with the cancer. I didn’t realize all the bad and black things that simple question would bring to the surface.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve known my marriage was over a very freak’n long time ago. I’ve actually come to realize that my ex-wife was a manipulative, conniving and evil woman, hell she was all that today as well, but today meant more that I was now only the second parent to my children. She will always be the parent they deal with day in and day out. I’ll just be the one they get to visit once and a while, maybe spend the night over if I get two days off in a row. I’ll never have them as a daily part of my life ever again. That realization hurt, feels like a gaping wound deep in my chest.

I’ve also been completely off my medications for about a week now. I’m more creative, I don’t feel like a drooling nut job, but I also have noticed how irritable I am, how easy I am to jump to the negative and how anxious I get over the stupidest things. My brother wanted to look at houses today. Fine by me, until I got into the car and had a complete panic attack and couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of the car and walk around and even then I felt a tightness in my chest and my head was a blur of emotions and thoughts. Granted my head being a blur of everything is not new, but the total sense of no control, that was new.

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I also got an email today from someone I didn’t know asking me how I had dealt with my cancer and if I had any advice to give. It brought back all the blackness that I thought I had pushed away. I was wrong. I’m not strong. I’m very much alone and have alienated all my friends. I also realized that most of my friends don’t care about what I went through, or what I’m still dealing with. The worse part is I’m not sure I even care about it. I’m running from it mostly. I’m not standing up to it, and confronting the issues, I’m ducking out of the way and letting it wash over me like an incoming tide.

So frankly I’m a freaking mess. I can’t sleep. I feel all alone. I have no one to turn to except doctors. My friends are all over the place and are to busy to care about my crap, or I’ve totally alienated them with my actions and the stupid things I’ve done with my life. I’m a total freaking mess, and I’m not sure that getting off my meds was the proper step. On one hand I’ve felt more creative than I have in years. On the other, I’m experiencing breakdowns and anxiety, nervous ticks and many other things. I guess I am nuts and crazy. My ex-wife stated as much today, maybe she is right. I don’t know and sitting here in the dark typing this isn’t helping. I’m scared to sleep because I can’t shut down my mind and I know what my hyper-active brain is going to do to every other aspect of my “condition” it’s going to over analyze every little thing until my head goes “pop”.

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When the World is Running Down, You Make the Best of What’s Still Around. from the album “Message in a Box” by The Police

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