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My twitter friend CA Sizemore lost his wife suddenly yesterday. All my prayers and thoughts go out to him and his family at this hard time. The Tribe has put together a fund together to try and help him through this difficult time. If you have a few bucks, even just one dollar, please consider donating to this worthy cause, because Everything counts.

Everything Counts from the album “The Singles 81>85″ by Depeche Mode

Technorati Tags: death, family, fear, life, love, news, relationships

Well it has been a while since my last post here. I have been “distracted” to say the least. I’ve been soul searching and it has led to a lot depression amongst other things. I haven’t written a word, or really done anything constructive. I have been escaping. Usually I have been escaping into City of Heroes, so I have become that which I have railed against for so long. I just don’t know. If I start to escape am I as bad as her, if I don’t I’ll end up so depressed that I may just fade away. Then I have to search my feelings and I find that I am so confused about everything. Do I love? Do I want to stay? If I do stay, will things get better or worse? If I leave, am I hurting my kids? Do I make them hate me like I hate my parents? If I leave will it destroy my wife? Will it destroy me? Will it make me better or worse?

So many questions and I don’t know the answers. I really hate my life, and I’m sure that I’m the one to blame. I created this existence for myself. I have people who depend on me and say they love me. Is it wrong for me to want to get away? Will it be temporary or will it be permanent? Still I find more questions and more confusion. I seek professional help and that also leads to more questions and more indecision. I feel like I just need to “do” something, pick one option and choose it, for good or for ill. Quite frankly I’m scared, scared to death.

Come on Eileen from the album “Too-Rye-Ay” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners & Kevin Rowland

Technorati Tags: family, fear, illness, life, love, pain

I have to say that I am a little bowled over. I figured that Mur Lafferty had only created Icons from her novel Playing for Keeps, for those who directly helped on the project. Which was cool and all, and I did do some local promoting and bought a copy of the book for my local library, but I never expected to get one sent to me. There it was though, in an email from the Author herself. I’m still smiling, probably will be for a long time. I am so grateful to Mur for the outstanding work she has put out, all of her podcasts, and novels are just great. You should check them all out on her new site, The Murverse- all things Mur Lafferty. I just can’t thank her enough for everything she has done, and teh inspiration that she has given me. The awesome Amp is right here and I absolutely love it.

I’m Impressed from the album “The Else” by They Might Be Giants

Technorati Tags: heroes, Mur Lafferty, Playing for Keeps, podcast

Sometime life just rears it’s ugly head and kicks you square in the nuts. This was my evening yesterday. Anything that could go wrong did and I didn’t seem to have the right answer to any question. I have just been trying to come to grips with the way my life has turned and to tell the truth, it is very tiring. I have invested so much and changed so much about my life, but it seems the rest of the world around me has gone static. I feel so isolated and alone, even among my friends and my family. I just don’t know if I fit in my own life. I feel like an outsider at times looking in through the windows that are my eyes, on an alien landscape and the mini drama that is my current situation. I really am lost. I don’t know what to do about anything. I know that I need to make things better for myself, but I can’t change those around me. I just hope that I can hang on long enough for everything to get better or that I can know, somehow realize, that it is time for things to change so that I can grow as a person. Ultimately, I hope for the best, but hope is a fleeting thing, at least in my experience. Wouldn’t it be good to have life be everything that you wanted and hoped it would be. I think it would.

Wouldn’t it Be Good from the album “Human Racing” by Nik Kershaw

Technorati Tags: family, fear, life, love, pain

Besides listening to America recently, as referenced in the title, I have been working hard on reorganizing my time and prioritizing what is most important to me. I have been trying to cut out more time for friends, and in doing so we have a weekly time set up to get together and paint minis and model stuff for our game. We are also trying to get a monthly time to game.
I have also been trying to carve out time to write, time for myself. I have tried to write everyday in the past and failed. With that failure came defeat, at least in my mind, and caused me to stop trying. I know that I need to keep a solid mindset if I’m going to make it a habit but I also realize that I need to set myself up to succeed. With that in mind, I am setting up an hour to write, the days a week. Monday, Tuesday and Saturday will be the days, as those are the ones I have the easiest time setting up some alone time for me. So starting this Saturday, I plan on writing for at least an hour, most likely someplace away from the family, even if I have to just go sit in my car at the local park. I want to write, it helps free my mind and my soul. It helps me stay stable in my life and gives me a creative outlet to express my inner beast.
This is just the start of my soul searching and the changes I plan on making in my life. We will see what that will bring but I’m hoping that it will give me something that I can look back on a say. “You know what? You made something of your life.” The day I can say that will be the day that I feel truly happy.

Technorati Tags: D&D, family, gaming, life, writing

Why do I put myself through all the pain? Why does it seem I am destined to be alone, misunderstood or just plain loathed. I know that my family loves me, but I feel that the root is much deeper and has everything to do with myself and not those around me. I set all these goals, and have such great plans for thins I want to do. When push comes to shove, I fold. I never finish what I start. That is the core problem with myself and I have come to realize that. I need to change this, I know I do, but I think I fear to have success and that is why I don’t finish. I am afraid to be worthy, praised as being good at anything. I believe that I am afraid to admit that I have ability or talent. That I am anything but a miserable, loathsome creature.
I think my issues started with my childhood, having to fend for myself all the time and not getting the praise that I child should get from their parents when they do something well. I never had that. In fact I resented when my brother and sister got it, even though I preformed better in school then they did. I needed to recognize my fear so I can move beyond it. I need to finish what I start. I have to not let my own self loathing and fear force me not finish my projects. I now know what I need to change about myself. I have to make these changes if I’m to grow and move beyond the past.

Technorati Tags: family, fear, life, pain, writing

My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• 18:06 New blog post: What I’ve been Tweeting… tinyurl.com/2r28uq #

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My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• 18:10 New blog post: What I’ve been Tweeting… tinyurl.com/2o7mbt #
• 10:38 Why I am surrounded by people and totally alone? #
• 11:07 @pseudojoe Have a good one Joe! #
• 11:37 @TSDivaDani Thats explains a lot about me! #
• 11:39 @TeeMonster Shatner but I’m an old school guy. #
• 11:50 @mightmur Just finished listening to ISBW #87, The PT needs her own podcast ;^) #
• 13:29 New blog post: What a sad strange trip….. tinyurl.com/3crmm9 #
• 15:22 @mightymur Page not found. Something is up. #
• 15:37 :^( I want to go to the Mur Lafferty Lunch #

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I have been experiencing some definite sad emotions over the past few days. I’ve been looking at my life and examining my place in the world, and frankly it has made me extremely depressed. My wife is scared of me. She is afraid to confront me on common household issues. Am I such a monster, such a horrible being that the woman I love is scared to discuss difficult issues with me? I’ve been looking into what I may have done to her in the past that has caused her to think me such an unresponsive person, such a argumentative being that she can’t even ask me to clean the house with her. When did I become such a beast? I believe that it started at a young age. My childhood was no exactly the normal typical, Leave it to Beaver kind of experience. My father was not around much, and when he was I was the child that he avoided. My father has his own issues and I’m sure that having a son who excelled in school (he had never made it out of 5th grade) scared him a little. He has admitted to me that he never knew how to handle me and had more in common with my brother. My mother on the other hand, treated me with distain. It was always my fault for everything because I was the oldest. I had to be the responsible one. Well I just wanted to be left alone to read and create, write and draw. I didn’t want to watch my brother or sister.
All of this negative treatment just built and built. I retreated in the fantasy worlds I created and when D&D became popular I had the perfect outlet. I withdrew more and more. I had a select few friends who I played with, and got in trouble with. It was nothing that a normal kid my age didn’t do. Shoplifting, spray painting my name and art on buildings, and getting into fights with other kids. At home, I more and more wanted nothing to do with my family. As I grew, even though I was a “bad boy” a trouble maker, my grades in school were great. When we were placed in the middle school I was put in honors classes, with a whole group of kids I didn’t understand. Their families had money and were supportive. I became friends with a few but never understood their home lives. Mainly because it was so alien to me. When we moved when I was just about to go into high school that was more culture shock. We moved from the city to a rural town. I really didn’t fit in there. I have friends from high school, many of who I am still friends with today. Their home lives were still very alien, but I was getting vindication from my friends. Things like, “Dude your mom is crazy.” “Why does she treat you that way?” were just a few things my friends would tell me when we were away from my house. The last bit of my rebellion against my parents started when they would gush over my brother and sisters grades and dismissed mine. I was still doing well in school in some of the highest class levels, where my brother would take tech classes and get B’s and my sister would get D’s and C’s in the lowest grade levels there were. They were praised and given the love I sought, and it was just expected that I would come home with A’s. As usual, I was the one that was there to help my sister with her homework, and still get blamed when she failed because she never tried. I felt like my life was so bad that I must have been destined to be a horrible person. My life sucked.
So I withdrew and withdrew from family. I would go over my friends houses and feel completely out of place. I didn’t understand, still don’t really, what it was like to have a normal family life. even when I met my wife and we started dating I felt awkward around her family. They were supportive and caring. I never got that at home. To a point, I still don’t get the support. I would love to take the time everyday to write, but I feel that if I do I am being selfish and taking away from my family. Plus I feel like my wife would resent me for taking the time for myself. I just feel like the world just wants me to drink it’s Kool Ade and stop being me. I should just conform to everything. Part of me wants to, part of me says to withdraw, the best self defense mechanism that I have had. I just don’t want to alienate my family. They are the only things that keep me from just secluding myself away on a mountain and disappearing from the world. Now I find that I scare my wife, that she can’t talk to me. I don’t know what I did, but I’m sure that my fucked up existence has had something to do with it. I just don’t want to stop being creative. I don’t want to lose the things I love but I don’t really know how to do it. I’m just confused as hell. Maybe I should drink the Kool Ade and just disappear into obscurity.

Technorati Tags: family, life, love, pain, relationships

My Tweets for today, Enjoy:

• 10:42 @Cmaaarrr I loved the opening you did for Wasteland, Super funny! #
• 12:11 :^( I wish I was closer to the Tribe #

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