Подарък иконаикониканализацияNeeded to share this link. I read this and cried, cheered and fell in love. This so very much describes what I am searching for, and in a way describes me as well. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Date a girl who reads | Analyfe
Fast Changes from the album “Seal” by Seal
Technorati Tags: life, relationships
It has been an interesting week for me on the realization front. My emotions are like a land mine, it takes very little to set me off in one direction or another. I know for sure that I am not in a place to pursue a relationship of any kind. I have even been distant from my friends and family, though I have tried very hard to be there for my kids, especially as they were home from school all week. I realized the other day that most of my friends probably have no idea what is going on with me. I believe that my distancing from everyone was a subconscious way for me to deal with all the emotions caused by my upcoming divorce. I’ve been bottling it all up and hoping it will go away like I have done all my life. Old habits die hard they say, and I am pretty good proof of that. THis situation is what is causing my mini breakdowns. I’ll hear a song and it will trigger some emotion and I’ll either be off, spouting my eternal unrequited love, or screaming in anger at my dashboard and any driver near me. This situation has to change. I have to change, especially if I want to get better and continue my life from here.
I realized through all this that I need to let go. I need to give up on all my illusions that I am clinging to and face the fact that I am a very tired, emotionally spent person. I need to focus purely on me. Move forward with my life as best I can and try to find those things that would bring me joy and happiness. First and foremost I had to start making my life better on even the most basic levels. Start enjoying my friends, contact them, let them know what is going on, and mostly, except any help they are willing to give. They are my friends and they won’t judge me, they will listen, support and offer advice. I also needed to make myself healthier. My diabetes has been out of control for far to long. That is totally under my control. I need to eat more responsibly and take care of my body. How can my mind be healthy when my body is not?
So here I am, coming to the largest crossroads I have ever faced. Maybe if this time, for once, I make the choices for me, and not consider all the outside crap, I can finally find a happier place to be. If I am happier with myself, then all the rest will fall into place. I hope so anyway.
Get It Together from the album “Seal IV” by Seal
Technorati Tags: family, life, relationships
I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. Things are changing for me, actually so fast that I seem to be missing a lot of it. Watching as life passes me by. My relationship with the woman I thought would be the cornerstone of my life has crumbled to dust. Partially because I failed to do the upkeep and keep the mortar fresh. I’ve never been a good person with brickwork, but I also know that it was not completely my fault either. I know that a relationship needs two people to make it work. We have just went our separate ways, and I have come to grips with that.
In evaluating what my life has meant to this point and looking at all my relationships and friendships, I have really let a lot of things pass me by. Fear of losing what I had, though it was already long on it’s way to what it has come to now, kept me from chasing after what my heart told me I should. I had a moment, several years ago now, where my heart nearly stopped. I met this woman, though briefly, who was the most radiant creature I had ever seen. She was quiet, yet glowed with an inner beauty and strength that it astounded me. I met her at a writing group for NaNoWriMo. I found myself staring and probably looking like some sort of creep, I know I looked like some sort of creep. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to this lovely vision, so I just wrote and wrote like crazy. She inspired me to write that night, I think partially to try and impress her. Boy, was I foolish. So after that night I left the small cafe, completely enamored with my muse, my angel. For years now I have pondered what I could have done differently that night. I have wondered if I had just talked to her more, been bold enough to ask her out, or at least been more conversational, could things have been different.
My marriage at the time was already on the rocks, I just couldn’t let it go. Partially for the kids and partially out of fear of being alone. Things happened as they did, I can not change the past. I have followed her closely since. She has a blog that I read daily. When she doesn’t post anything I am disappointed but once she posts something I read it and absorb every word. I have found that my vision of beauty is more than just appearance. She has a grand intellect that sometimes makes me feel small in comparison. She is passionate about everything she does and her work ethic is something we all should aspire to. She has wowed me at many turns and proved to me that my heart, that night several years ago was not wrong. I had been in the presence of someone truly amazing and wonderful.
Most of my mind in the past few weeks has been occupied with all sorts of things that life has thrown at me. Most of it is just garbage that just needs to be ignored. I have though never stopped reading her blog, eagerly waiting her next post. I have commented on several of them, but she doesn’t know what she has come to mean to me. I’m not even sure that I could put in words what she means to me. I know I would give anything to get to know her better, possibly even get up the strength to ask her out for coffee or tea and just listen to her talk. That would be a wonderful day in my book.
Who We Are from the album “Who We Are” by Lifehouse
Technorati Tags: life, relationships
